You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
