Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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