In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
