i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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