I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
