Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Randomize
