Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
