and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
