I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
