im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
