sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
