Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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