Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
