he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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