I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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