so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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