Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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