Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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