I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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