Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
