My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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