Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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