five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
