birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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