Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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