haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
