i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
