They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
