I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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