The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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