Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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