I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
