I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
