i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
