theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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