at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
