I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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