I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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