i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
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The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
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He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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