I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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