omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
