You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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