Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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