oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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