So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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