So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
