would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
