i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
