Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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