My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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