literally had 100 drinks last night.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Randomize
