oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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