I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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