i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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