Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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