sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
