I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
