I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
When are your genitals available?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
