Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
