he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
