none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
