I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
